Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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