He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Randomize
