Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
