**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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