Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
