i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
