I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
