I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
