Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
