i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
