Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
