Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
