Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
