I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
