i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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