I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
