just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
