Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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