I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
