If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
