so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
