i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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