Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
