But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
