just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
