Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
