I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
im having a threesome with these popsicles
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
