the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
