this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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