Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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