How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
