dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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