all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
