Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Randomize
