He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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