Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
