you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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