The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
