i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
