I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize
