Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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