Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
