got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
