OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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