That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
