seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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