if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
