She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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