The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
