I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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